The Paths we Take
by teapotpot
Summary: A look at some of the life defining moments of Hatake Kakashi that have made him who he is. [mild KakaRin]


DISCLAIMER: The usual – I don't own anything related to the Naruto universe… but wait! Something different! I also don't own the lyrics down there, because they're from 'Hello' by Evanescence (It totally rocks XD, as do all her songs, her lyrics are so good!).

**The Paths we Take**

_Teapotpot_

A/N: Okay, I started this one-shot, like, three months ago and never finished it. Basically, it's a trip down Kakashi memory lane to look at some of the important events that have occurred. True, it excludes Obito's death, but only because this fic was inspired by Evanescence's song 'Hello'. The lyrics just shouted RIN'S DEATH to me, so… yeah. Enjoy!

He was sixteen years old.

Most guys his age were busy trying to be cool, trying to fit in, and trying to get a girlfriend. They put only enough effort in school to scrape a pass, and spent the rest of their time being stupid.

Then again, most guys his age weren't ninja. Especially not ninja living in a time of war.

They were not seasoned fighters, who had given away childhood in exchange for a chance to live, and a chance to protect everything that was important.

He was.

At sixteen, Hatake Kakashi was a jounin of Konoha, and currently on the battlefield.

At this particular moment he was witnessing another event to add to his ever-increasing collection of depressing scenes.

He was holding Rin's bloody body together.

Kakashi didn't have to be a medic to know she was dying. His last remaining teammate, and the last person who held any importance to him.

She was dying.

She should never have followed him anyway. The reason he accepted to come alone was because it was a suicide mission. But Rin being Rin had to get worried and jump in to save him. It was a brilliant, heart-felt plan.

She just got herself killed in the process.

Now he was in a stupid situation.

Another precious person dead before he had a chance to say goodbye. In this case, Kakashi never had a chance to say a proper hello either. He never took the opportunity to get to know the real Rin.

Why did she always have to worry about him? Why couldn't she be just as shallow as the others and talk about him behind his back, shun him, _hate him_? He wanted to have a reason to hate her, to keep her far, far away. Judging from past experience he'd probably get her killed too.

And what do you know? He had.

In a way, Kakashi hated her for loving him. And he hated himself even more for wanting to love her back.

The rain was blurring his vision, falling in thick curtains.

Damn it, Obito was crying again. He could feel the sharp heat of tears in comparison to the unending coldness around him. Cold day, cold rain, cold ground…

Cold body.

Obito was screaming at him. He could feel him his anger and blame beating around his head.

_You promised to take care of her! You promised to protect her!_

_She died to save you!_

_Rin is DEAD!_

Suddenly, an agony that Kakashi hadn't felt in a very long time bubbled up from the pit of his stomach. Pain enveloped him, and his mind was blurry as well. He couldn't think, couldn't see. It took him a while to realize that the right side of his face was warm as well.

Kakashi was crying.

Against his will, a strangled sort of cry erupted from his throat. Tightening his hold on Rin, Kakashi buried his face in her sopping wet hair and let out a series of heart wrenching sobs. Shaking uncontrollably, he felt the pain of guilt slamming into him in full force.

The last person that loved him was dead.

And he had killed her.

He had become a machine.

An emotionless, efficient, killing machine.

Accepting solo missions and completing them flawlessly, Kakashi was the perfect tool.

It had been three weeks since the ANBU came to clean up after him and take them back to Konoha.

Well, technically just him and Rin's bruised and battered corpse.

Upon return, Hokage-sama had spoken to and forgiven him, crying over her death. Rin's name was soon upon the memorial with Obito.

The other medics mourned the loss of her skill, and her friends mourned her period.

The quiet presence that always inspired such a deep feeling of peace. Rin was a warm and loving person – one of the many who did not belong with war, but had been pulled into the relentless current of death and adapted to it.

Her funeral was small and private.

Kakashi did not attend.

He visited her grave after the service, not wanting to face her remaining relatives or friends. He couldn't think of anything to say but 'I'm sorry', so he left a sprig of lavender upon the newly turned earth and departed.

Two days later, Kakashi signed up to become a member of ANBU.

Of course, he passed with flying colours.

Despite the added amount of missions, Kakashi still went to the memorial on all his days in Konoha. He had recently added Rin's name to his list of people to talk to.

Years passed, and Hatake Kakashi had become an invaluable part of the ANBU Retrieval Squad for high-ranking criminals.

But truthfully, that was about all he was.

Kakashi had no real friends, just colleagues and acquaintances. He never got enough sleep at night, and there was a constant sort of exhaustion weighing down his bones.

On the outside, Kakashi had the perfect composure. All the traits you were supposed to have to be a ninja.

Inside, he was in turmoil.

After all these years, too much had happened. There was just too much death, and too much pain accompanying it. Kakashi had begun to hope this was just a never-ending dream. Life had become an impossible hell.

So he acted normal, did what he was supposed to, and waited.

But he didn't wake up.

On a morning like any other, Kakashi got up after a not-so-great sleep with disturbing dreams to go wash up before breakfast. As he splashed water onto his face, he caught sight of his mismatched eyes in the cracked mirror.

Obito was crying again.

_Why_, he mused. Thinking hard, Kakashi suddenly remembered that it was his twentieth birthday.

It had been four years. His 'dream' had lasted for four _years_.

Staggering, Kakashi slammed his fist into the mirroring, shattering the image. It had hit him like a ton of bricks.

This wasn't a nightmare. This was his life. And he was wasting away.

Hatake Kakashi resigned from ANBU the next day, pondering slightly what he was to do next. Then, as usual, Maito Gai came bounding up with tears pouring down his face, telling Kakashi to burst out into the world before his burning flames of youth were extinguished.

He was in the middle of explaining how important it was to enjoy the springtime of youth when Gai noticed that Kakashi was in regular jounin clothing. This stopped his flow of speech abruptly, and he gaped, speechless.

Kakashi, not quite in the mood for a lecture, ignored him and walked to the nearest building; the bookstore. Maybe getting started on a good novel would be a better use of time.

To his slight surprise, there was a gaggle of people around a bright display. After a second glance, Kakashi noticed that the group consisted entirely of men. Curiously, he headed over and took a peek at the source of their interest.

He shook his head in disappointment; of course – a porn book. As he was about to turn away, Kakashi caught sight of the author's name.

Jiraiya.

That explained a lot. Inexplicably, he suddenly felt a pang of loneliness. The man had always been rather friendly and close. Since his departure about a year ago, Kakashi had kinda sorta missed him. On sudden impulse, he took a copy of the book and headed towards the cash register, earning him several looks of disdain from nearby women.

Pocketing his book for later reading, Kakashi headed back out only to see Gai still rooted to the spot with a rather dazed expression on his face. As Kakashi passed him, Gai appeared to snap out of his trance.

"KAKASHI! My eternal rival! Words fail to describe the feeling of joy that fills my heart! It is now clear to me that you have chosen to retake your youth! Follow in my footsteps, Kakashi, and live your life to the fullest while the flame in your _soul_ burns! I myself have chosen to dedicate my life to inspiring the lives of the truly youthful – the next generation. Yes, you have heard me correctly. I am to pass on my knowledge and teach!"

On and on he went, but Kakashi decided to wait patiently, knowing that if he ran away Gai would persecute him until the end of time. A few days ago Kakashi would have merely whapped him into unconsciousness, but unfortunately, Hokage-sama had had a talk with him when he resigned. Something about Konoha needing all the ninja it could get and not being able to afford any unnecessary hospitalizations.

"… and on a final note, I wish you, my eternal rival, the most wonderful birthday ever. Your present is the promise that you will be the one to pick our next form of competition, and no matter what it is, I will most certainly beat you. YOUTH WILL PREVAIL! Hah! I receive another win for that, certainly, is the most original birthday present any of us has ever given! The score is now 28 Gai, 27 Kakashi!"

With a final… spectacular… good guy pose, the Noble Green Beast of Konoha dashed into the sunset, leaving Kakashi to stare after him in slight disbelief.

Gai. A teacher.

Oh gods.

He seriously pitied whatever poor children came under the guidance of his 'Eternal Rival'. _So young_, he mourned. Shaking his head, Kakashi turned around and headed home.

To his complete surprise (and disturbance) Kakashi simply couldn't put down 'Icha Icha Paradise' after he started it. It was so addictive! After he sadly turned the last page, he put the book on his bedside table with only the glimmer of hope of the coming sequel supporting him.

Sighing, Kakashi settled as comfortably as he could into his cheap blanket and really started to contemplate what he was going to do about his life.

He couldn't just keep trying to get himself killed on missions. That wouldn't work anymore. Well, what other choices were left for a ninja who'd lost everything? Quit and open up a small business?

…Definitely not.

Sighing (he'd been doing that a lot lately), Kakashi found his mind wandering back to Gai and his new teaching post. He snorted derisively as he thought of future mini-Gai's with bobbed hair, green spandex suits and really, really creepy eyebrows.

Gai… Teaching… An idea suddenly sparked in his mind.

If Gai was allowed to become a teacher (even with all his unique-ness), then shouldn't he be allowed to become one as well?

_Interesting thought, me with a genin team_, Kakashi mused. He was a remarkable jounin with more than enough experience to back him up. Okay, fine. Maybe he wouldn't be the greatest role model in the world but… but he had to do what he could to stop the young and foolish from making the same mistakes he did.

Teaching would definitely be the best way to do that.

On that train of thought, Kakashi drifted off to sleep with his thoughts jumbling around lessons and values, techniques and skills.

The next morning, Kakashi signed up for genin team.

Kakashi was nervous.

Yup.

Hatake Kakashi hadn't been nervous in years, but he was now.

Five weeks ago he'd gone to the Hokage to request a genin team. The old man had stared at him intently, before nodding and signing him up for three children from the next batch the graduated.

Kakashi thanked him and went back to his pointless life as he waited…

…And waited…

…Until the day.

Taking a deep breath, Kakashi opened the classroom door.

The team failed the next day. And ten teams after them.

By now, six years after the first, Kakashi was just a little bit bitter and not just a little bit annoyed. All the brats he'd gotten so far had been arrogant, snotty and _downright unfit to be ninja_. He honestly wasn't expecting this batch to be any different.

And in addition to that, he was getting the Uchiha kid (which was not going to be very fun), and seeing as he was the number on rookie, he was also getting the Kyuubi brat and the village annoyance (maybe even less fun). Then there was the third member of the group who was supposed to be mediocre; some kunoichi girl.

Kakashi felt a twinge of guilt thinking these things. Sure, Naruto caused a lot of trouble, but people were cruel to him, and he had been mistreated his whole life. Sensei had meant for him to viewed as hero, but few knew and even if they did, they most likely wouldn't care. And maybe, just maybe, these genin would be different from the rest and actually be worth it to train.

Kakashi immediately took back his words when he felt Naruto's resentful aura. From where he was, he could see the boy setting up a prank; a simple (albeit annoying) chalkboard eraser fall. Shaking his head and sighing, Kakashi decided to let them have their fun since they'd be out of his life tomorrow anyway.

Sliding open the door, a POOF of dust flew up around his hair and face.

In retrospect, Kakashi thought, he was right in thinking that he shouldn't take them on as he stared down at Naruto's body in the Valley of the End, rain falling miserably around them. Six months too late, sadly, he had finally come to that conclusion.

These children, for that was all they really were, were walking down a path very familiar to him. In reality, they worked so hard and tried their best, but all they were doing was fighting for their deaths.

Hatake Kakashi bent down to pick up his student, the body cold from the rain.

Playground school bell rings  
Again  
_Rain clouds come to play_  
Again  
Has no one told you she's not breathing?  
Hello  
I'm your mind  
Giving you someone to talk to  
Hello  
If I smile and don't  
Believe  
Soon I know I'll wake  
From this dream  
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken  
Hello  
I'm the lie  
Living for you so you can hide  
Don't cry Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
Hello, I'm still here  
All that's left of yesterday

A/N: Okay, okay, I have some major time-line problems. First, I don't know if you stick with a team until they all become jounin or whatever if you pass them, but lets just say they do and all the peopled Gai passed have become jounin by the time Neji, TenTen and Lee come into the picture. I'm also assuming that two batches of students graduate from the Academy per year, meaning Kakashi can fail eleven teams before Team 7. That all cleared up, even if you didn't have questions? Good. Then the reason I wrote this story is because I LUV KAKASHI and have read some AWESOME fics with him and Rin and Team Yellow Flash, in particular sna's 'Persistence of Vision'. Also, I just had some sudden inspiration that died out and came back again. Thanks for reading!

NOTE: I just checked and for some reason, the formatting for the lyrics came out funny… 'Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping' should be on a new line from 'Don't Cry', and the whole bleepin' thing was supposed to italicized… Oh well. You can't win them all…


End file.
